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Blasted bleeding heart movies. . .

15 January 2006

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams” or “No day but today.” Which is true? Sadly, both cannot be truth. Either you believe in the future, planning, hoping, and dreaming, or you believe that all you have is today so you should live it to the fullest. I don’t know what I believe tonight. One part of me strongly believes that the first statement must be true. This part is the logical, responsible, a degree will help me succeed in life part. The other part of me that part that seems run by my heart, compassion, and a sense of duty believes that there is no time like the present.
I watched The Constant Gardner tonight. A good film I couldn’t tell you how much of it was fiction and how much fact. I fear more of it was fact than I’d like to believe. But even watching this movie on mute would have caused the same effect on me. I desprately want to go to Africa; I am sure that I can do good there actually benefit people. This is from the No day but today side.
This is not to say that I can do no good here in my own country there is a chance that I may. But I fear that I will become “the man.” One of my deepest fears is that I will go to church every Sunday quite content with my self, that I will work my job and spend my money on things. I will be a good middle class American. I don’t want that; I don’t want that at all. But what else is there to do? I don’t know how to stay here and avoid that trap. I don’t know of an example to show me otherwise. Some days I really like the idea of moving to Connecticut, getting a little house, drinking as much coffee as I wish, teaching at a nice school or getting another degree and teaching at a small college. I’m not perfect that’s for sure; I want security and a sense of self actualization. I know what a “good” life I could have here.

SO the question is do I really believe that if my goal is Africa I will get there? Do I really believe that the future and this is a future of substance belongs to those who dream? I don’t know.

Call it what you may I have no answers.

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